The last few months of last year have been full of trials, to say the least. That it took me a few months since my last substantial blog post speaks volumes in itself. I seem to have to overburdened myself with work, both in the office and in church, while still managing to accomplish as little as possible in the process. In doing so I lost sight of what matters. I lost control somewhere along the road, allowing certain aspects of my once so rigidly-controlled life to slip out of my hands. It’s as if I popped out of the driver’s seat to get some ice cream in the middle of rush-hour traffic in EDSA, only to return and find that the stoplight turned green in my absence.
The good thing in all of this is that I still come out the better despite the many trials, and failures, of that year. I feel that have grown to better accept myself as I truly am. More conscious of my shortcomings and more willing to admit them. A side effect of this new found self-awareness is that I seem to be able to get along with others better. I forgot where I read it, but someone once wrote that those who are the best at empathizing with others are also the most self-aware. Conversely, show me a person who can’t understand others and I’ll show you a hypocrite. You’re looking at him… That is to say, my rose-tinted glasses have become a little more clearer, and I feel that I am better able to see myself as the flawed person that I am.
In fact, it seems that the more I grow, the more I realize that I have a lot to change. Indeed, this is what the Lord intends for us all. To realize how desperately in need we are of Him. I bet this was all in His plan for me after all. A bet which I undoubtedly win thanks to God’s omniscience and timelessness. As a recovering, self-confessed control-freak, I found it very disconcerting that I let myself go in such a manner.
Still, the Lord reminds me always of His power over me and His unwillingness to give up on such a hopeless case. Resistance is futile. The only options I have right now are to change for the better, or to continue spiraling uncontrollably towards the entropy of a life in disarray. I can only hope this year will find me closer to Him and more yielding to His inexorable, life-changing Will.